I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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