Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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