I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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