birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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