There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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