rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
