I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
