bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
