OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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