Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
