come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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