I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
