Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
