Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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