How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
