Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
