your thong is hanging out like whoa
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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