I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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