I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
