I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
