Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
