Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
