Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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