Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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