I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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