He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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