I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
