I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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