Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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