your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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