my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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