He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
