everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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