The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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