i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
