May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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