listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
