I faked an abortion last night.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
