My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
