I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
