i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize