There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
