"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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