I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
