I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
