please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
