Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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