The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Fuck appropriateness.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
