Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
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