I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
