One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
