I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
