In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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