I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
