What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
