I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
