I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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