Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
