He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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