i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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