She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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